I already felt old some mornings before I filled the Rx, but not like this. Someone told me Saturday I looked tired, and I wanted to say, Honey, you have no idea. Instead I bought some suntan-look powder makeup.
The days are full of questions:
Did I throw the scissors away or is this the Tamoxifen?
Am I really this exhausted? If I take a nap, will I sleep tonight?
Did I forget to return that exercise mat?
If I hadn't read certain major hospital sites, would I feel this bad? Or is it the power of suggestion?
Would I feel this way after more months off soy? Or is it Tamoxifen?
Am I in the ladies room so often because of giving up soy? Or is it old age?
Is this distractedness Tamoxifen or creeping senility?
If I stay on Tamoxifen, will this kind of thinking get worse?
With the pills and without soy, will I wake up soon looking 95?
How will I get another job if I look 95?
And the very worst, most scary question:
Will my family think I'm getting senile?
What I Do When It's Bad:
I try to remember symptoms from before Tamoxifen. For instance:
I was overwhelmed at the start of radiation-- thought the simulation room was the treatment room.
I had hot flashes in the 90s, whenever I didn't eat on time.
I had a few "tired spells" at times (just not so often) when I got here--I would just nap.
There were some aches and pains before I started taking this stuff.
Before and after spine fusion, I was so restricted--maybe my body is finally yelling for exercise.
I have arthritis, and it can hurt.
I remember that I needed the suntan makeup before I started these pills.
What I Tell Myself:
Is it unbearable? (Of course not.) Am I okay enough for today? Yes.
My medical oncologist is the one I would choose out of a crowd; and I'm blessed to be alive.
I wish you health.